I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I learned to sing those words as a young child in Primary and ever since, the church has been a central part of my identity. The church and my relationship to deity through its teachings are central to my family structure, my personal values, my community relationships, and were the foundational principles of my education, and all of my perspectives, choices, and behaviors throughout my life. 

I have been active in this church for my entire life, child, adolescent, and adult. I was baptized at age eight, I attended all four years of early morning seminary and graduated high school with both a high school diploma and a seminary diploma. I participated in the church-partnered Boy Scouts of America program from a cub scout all through my adolescence, earning an Eagle Scout award. I was ordained to the office of a deacon, a teacher, a priest, and an elder in the church, having received the power and the authority of the Aaronic and Melchizedek priesthoods. I went to the temple to receive my temple endowment. I served a full-time, two-year mission for the church, which I paid for in-full with my own money, upon which I had already paid a full tithing. I attended and graduated from Brigham Young University, and took religion classes along with my general education, elective, and science coursework. While at BYU, I met and started dating a fully active member of the church, and we were married in the San Diego Temple and sealed through holy ordinances and covenants for time and all eternity through the power of restored priesthood authority. This church is central to my identity. 

I have been generally happy as a member of this church for my entire life. The people in it are good people, striving to do their best to become more like Christ, learn about him, and live their lives in accordance to principles that they believe will qualify them to return to live again with him in the celestial kingdom. The church teaches joyous and hopeful doctrine about families’ potential to live together in the eternities, about overcoming sin and death through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and about the divine potential of each of Heavenly Father’s children to grow and become more like him as heirs to all the blessings that he enjoys. I believe that living the principles of this faith in obedience to scriptural and prophetic warnings have protected me from many dangers that could have caused me additional heartbreak. 

Throughout my experience as a member of this church, however, there have always been some uncomfortable aspects of the church’s doctrine, history, or practices that have weighed on me. These points have been a real challenge for me to understand and accept for as long as I have known about them. They never caused me to question if God was really my loving father in heaven, or if Jesus Christ was my savior. But they have caused me some confusion about the nature of modern-day revelation and church practice. The more that I have been called on as a leader and teacher in this church, the more I have noticed the quiet, yet persistent yearning to deal with all my uncomfortable feelings about these challenging and unflattering topics.

Paul boldly declared “For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.” I have always found these words to be true for me in the context of Jesus Christ and what I consider to be the core gospel or doctrine of Christ. I earnestly wish I could say the same thing about my membership in this church. 

Because my identity as a member of the church has become such a huge and influential aspect of who I am in public and private, the consequences of this reputation have been unavoidable for my entire life. I feel anxious every time religion is brought up in mixed company, not only because I worry that these issues will surface or that I will have to answer questions about my beliefs and risk people’s perception of me changing, but also because I am explicitly taught and expected to be such a powerfully bold missionary, always sharing my testimony of the truth of the restored gospel with everyone I meet. 

This was a huge challenge for me to overcome on my mission, where I learned to completely compartmentalize any personal identity that I may care about for myself and assume the role of a true representative of the church, a full-time witness of Christ and defender of the faith. In other words, I learned to stop thinking of myself as an individual representing my own thoughts and opinions or worry about what people thought of me personally. 

The coping methods I developed to overcome my reservations on my mission seem so inapplicable or inappropriate in my everyday life and casual or professional conversations with coworkers, friends, and students. I do have a personal identity, my own thoughts and opinions, professional goals, desires, and the church is still a big part of who I am. But when people start talking about religion, I just know that my general openness about my faith will eventually result in a conversation about my religious beliefs and the practices of the church. I strive to be a loving and understanding person to all those with whom I interact. However, I live in the constant grating anxiety of people thinking that I am stereotypically racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, anti-science, elitist, closed-minded, or judgmental because of my affiliation with the church. 

I do not wish to discredit anyone’s faith or challenge anyone’s testimony. I don’t want to diminish any of the positive feelings that I nor anyone else would have about this church. Again, I think it is a good organization full of good people trying their best to do and be good. But I have a growing list of questions that need answers. I decided that it was inevitably necessary for me to make an earnest effort to address these issues to the best of my ability and bring myself to some kind of harmony with my spiritual beliefs so I can ease my anxieties and cognitive dissonances in my life. If I am to be a teacher, a leader, and a father, I need to figure out for myself how to make sense of these questions. I know that the official position of the church on many social issues is that we don’t have the answers to several difficult questions. I am aware of that position and comfortable with the possibility of that conclusion, but I believe I am still obligated to embark on my own spiritual journey and come to whatever conclusions I can for myself. 

I have never been converted to this gospel or this church from a position outside of full membership. I have been raised and brought up with no context for what my life would be like without it. I have never become prodigal, questioned, rebelled, and left, only to return with a stronger testimony of the truth. I don’t necessarily believe that is a required process to develop a personal conviction. Still, through all my life of living in obedience to all of the church teachings, I have only been developing an increasingly powerful desire to find answers to my deepest, unsettling questions about my faith. To find the kind of peace and assurance that so many testify is so readily abundant in the restored gospel. 

I knew that as a young men’s priesthood quorum advisor, I would soon face the task of teaching the youth in my ward about the Doctrine and Covenants through the church’s Come Follow Me program. I wanted to better understand church history for myself so that I could teach correct principles and accurate history, as well as feel confident answering questions about complicated historical issues I knew I had not yet fully mastered. 

I decided I would start by reading the newly published official church history book, Saints: The Story of the Church of Jesus Christ in the Latter Days. It would be a starting point to get a clearer picture of what the church believes about its origins. What I found in that book was entirely shocking to me. I read about a man and a church and a history of which I had never before conceived. Not only did I come across historical accounts and details of which I had no previous knowledge, but I encountered a history that was in direct conflict with the narrative of the church that I had been taught throughout my entire life through scripture study, family home evening, primary and Sunday school, church-produced media, seminary, my full-time mission, and college education at Brigham Young University. To say I was alarmed would be an understatement. I was disturbed. Either several people for my entire life had been very wrong about many things, or several people for my entire life had been very deceptive about many things. Or both. That book produced more questions about the church than answers, and I knew I could not be satisfied with my past life choices and future trajectory until I found real answers. 

Around the time that these unsettling feelings started precipitating into a more specific plan of study and action, my wife Katherine and I were both called on to give talks in sacrament meeting. My talk was based on a General Conference address from President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. In my talk, I quoted Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and President Uchtdorf himself. As I prepared my talk, I didn’t know how to approach the ending, which is usually the part where the speaker is expected to bear their testimony that they know that the Church is true, in the name of Jesus Christ. I don’t often say things like that in church because those kinds of declarations make me feel uneasy. I feel like I can’t honestly say that I have a sure knowledge of any of its literal and absolute truth in reality, although I have always believed it to be true. I do have hope, I want it to be true, I exercise faith and live according to my beliefs to the best of my ability, relying on the merits of my savior and my covenant relationship with Him where I fall short, but I can’t profess knowledge. In the end, I chose to end my talk with a prayer of hope that we can uphold our covenants. That seemed like the most authentic and appropriate conclusion. 

Katherine spoke in church two weeks later. Her talk was based on Elder Quentin L. Cook’s October 2016 general conference talk “Valiant in the Testimony of Jesus.” She was asked to speak on the importance of faith in Jesus Christ during difficult times. 

Elder Cook’s talk begins with these words: “Eternal life is the greatest gift of God and is bestowed on those who keep God’s commandments and endure to the end. On the other hand, eternal life with our Heavenly Father is denied those who are not valiant in the testimony of Jesus. There are a number of stumbling blocks to our valor that can prevent us from reaching the goal of eternal life.” Elder Cook goes on to describe what a stumbling block means to him. He says that “a stumbling block is an impediment to belief or understanding or an obstacle to progress. To stumble spiritually is to fall into sin or waywardness. A stumbling block can be anything that distracts us from achieving righteous goals. We cannot afford to have our testimonies of the Father and the Son become confused and complicated by stumbling blocks. We cannot fall into that trap. Our testimonies of Them need to remain pure and simple.” 

Were my issues with the church stumbling blocks? I certainly felt as though they were an impediment to my spiritual understanding and progress. I have largely ignored them for my entire life, never able to find satisfying answers. I thought this is what the church wanted me to do with these stumbling blocks, but this presents a problem, because I keep coming back to these blocks right where I left them last time, only to stumble on them again and again. They have become permanent fixtures in my faith tradition, eyesores in the otherwise beautiful garden view of my relationship with the church, that I only acknowledge to point out how unfortunate and confusing they are. 

I am determined to finally do something about them. The more I have read and the more sources I have reviewed, the more it has become apparent that I need to take notes, write down my questions, document my thought process, or else become even more confused than when I started. This is the documentation of my efforts to study these issues out and face my stumbling blocks head-on. The way I currently see it, my options are to either dig up and remove these blocks, change my perspective on them and start appreciating them as something other than stumbling blocks, or in the event that they are truly insidious and unremovable, to remove myself from where they are. One way or another, I am tired of tripping over them as I try to spiritually progress.  

This journey is presented as several questions, divided into topical categories, followed by information and quotes that I was able to find to answer the questions asked. All quotes included are derived from Church publications, historians, or were tracked to their original source, using resources such as The Joseph Smith Papers, Brigham Young University Digital Collections, or online periodical archives. Other than presenting questions, I have made the decision not to insert my own voice or narrative, explain or devise arguments that are critical or apologetic about the facts and accounts that I discover. Even if some sources disagree, and they do, I want the primary sources to stand on their own. This is a draw-your-own-conclusions project. This work is not meant to be critical or disrespectful to the church or any of its members or leaders. 

Some quotes are left longer to avoid taking them out of their original context. Some very similar quotes from multiple church leaders speaking in their official capacities may seem redundant, but are included to avoid mischaracterizing one leader’s personal beliefs as the official position of the church.

I do not profess to be a historian, nor am I entirely comfortable with the many ways that some individuals’ personal biases lead them to interpret and present the same facts and quotes in very different careful constructions, ultimately to support their own different conclusions. I am especially opposed to the idea that if a piece of information does not agree with an established narrative, it must not be trusted as a source worthy of any consideration. I don’t agree with calling these issues “complex history” or “advanced history”. In my understanding, the only thing that makes history advanced and complex is when history challenges preconceived notions and it becomes an advanced and complex task to try to fit them into any rigid narrative. If there are conflicting sources or a limited amount of evidence on a subject, those limitations should be honestly acknowledged, not twisted into myth. 

If I seem biased in the types of questions that I am asking, please remember the purpose of this entire endeavor: to address the stumbling blocks. To better understand those exact concerning issues and aspects of my church that do not fit my current understanding of the one true church, led by God through continuing revelation, containing truth and light, and the fulness of the gospel. I am not specifically seeking out faith-promoting stories that make me feel better about participation in today’s church, nor am I seeking out critical arguments against the church by any who have stepped away. I am not trying to learn if the current church is a good organization, full of good people who do good things and live good lives. I already know that is true. What I need to know is whether the truth claims of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are honest and accurate. 

I am not interested in ignoring uncomfortable subjects, devising any attack against the church as an organization, or any of its members or leaders. I have not been offended or grown unhappy with living the commandments of the church. I am not trying to justify sin, or find a way out. I am not trying to defame anyone who has defended or criticized the church in the past. 

I am still an active member of the church, attend sacrament meetings weekly, and have no intention of reducing my activity during this process of research and my pursuit of personal revelation. Unfortunately, I also feel the need to clarify that I have not committed any major sins, broken any laws or covenants. I have not done anything that would disqualify me from being worthy of my temple recommendation, and I have not been seduced by any temptations or ‘alternative’ lifestyles outside of church orthodoxy. I wish I did not need to say these things, but I know what other members of the church may assume about a person when they ask certain questions about the church. I am trying to grow closer to God, not farther away.

I am interested in learning the truth. I want to attempt an honest and sincere search for truth in all of the correct ways, by which I mean through the recommended and designated avenues, and to follow the teachings of the church with regard to seeking personal revelation. For that reason, I have decided to start this process with a study of the fundamentals: faith, truth, and revelation to better prepare myself spiritually to be led toward greater light and truth in the study of my stumbling blocks, fully believing in a God who loves me, cares about my destiny, and is willing to guide me as I seek to follow him in faith.

Disclaimer: 

This research contains quotations and references to various works that are the intellectual property of their respective authors and copyright holders. I do not claim ownership of any such material. All content included herein is used for the purpose of education and inquiry.

The excerpts quoted represent only small portions of the original works and are used solely to explore genuine research questions. This research is strictly non-commercial and intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended to serve as a substitute for the original sources, nor to compete with or harm the market value of those works.

I strongly encourage readers to access the original materials through legal and authorized means to support the authors and publishers who produce these resources and to explore these ideas in their original context.